Unhappy.

I feel like I became a worse person in the course of the past year. I think when you're not happy with where you are and what you are doing, you feel stuck in the situation. And when you're stuck, you can't help but find ways to vent your anger and discontent. For me, these ways consist of constant complaining. Negative talk overall. I'm taking a look at myself and I don't like what I have become. I feel unhealthy emotionally and psychologically. All I can feel and think about is how unhappy I am. I can honestly compare how I feel with being a zombie. I don't feel alive. I'm so uninspired.

Pride vs Peace of Mind

One indicator of our maturity level is when we apologize to the other party even though it's not our fault because finally, we've come to the point where our peace of mind is more important than our pride.

One Year Since Graduation: Then and Now

Exactly one year ago, June 7, was the day I graduated from college. Since I consider that day as an important milestone in my life, I would like to ponder over the changes I've experienced since that day. 

June 7, 2014 - It was the day I felt this huge relief, excitement, and a tinge of nervousness. I was excited because finally, I was about to enter the real world. I remember telling myself that day that I would start looking for a job right away, since I didn't want to waste time bumming around. But there's this tiny feeling of doubt and nervousness. A small voice was asking me, "What if you couldn't find a job? Let alone soon?" But since it was a happy day, I just shrugged it off.

The graduation photo I chose for our yearbook

Unfortunately, I did have a hard time landing a job. At the first few rejections, I was still fine. I was still feeling kind of optimistic and just convinced myself to just push, push, and push. But around mid-November, I finally broke down. I was already getting seriously frustrated and scared to the point that I actually wanted to give up and take a break from job hunting. But honestly, I felt that the cry I had at that moment was a huge help. After crying my frustrations out, I felt a LOT better and  had a new perspective of my situation. I was like, "Okay, I'm having a hard time right now, but if I stop looking for a job and give up, then I really won't find a job at all. There's no other way but forward." Having that short pep talk with myself really pumped me up! It's like I gained back all the excitement, optimism, and determination I had during my graduation day. 

After that, I was called for a couple more interviews. I got accepted at both but I chose the second interview I attended. And now, I'm working for the first bank in the Philippines and one of the leaders in our banking industry: Bank of the Philippine Islands (BPI) as a Client Service Associate under the Corporate Banking Department. It really feels good earning and using your own money! I also give a portion of my salary to my mom to help with the family/house expenses, which is a big fulfillment for me. In the workplace, I'm also moved and inspired by how my superiors believe in me. They've said it several times and it's a huge boost to my confidence.

My first ever company ID!♥

Besides getting hired, another change I've seen in the 'me' now compared to the 'me' last year is in my maturity level. I'm the type of person who reflects every single day about what happened on that day and about myself as a whole. It's actually hard to put into words why but I honestly feel that I've become more mature. Maybe the whole happening helped: graduating, looking for a job, landing a job, dealing with work and colleagues. But besides those things, I would like to add one more event that happened to me (and my family) in the past year that helped me gain a higher level of maturity: dealing with my grandma's death. She died weeks before my graduation and I've been trying to move on since.

It was difficult getting over a loved one's death, finding a job, and getting rejected all at the same time. But it made me stronger. And here I am: a 22-year-old girl having her first job ever and just trying to lead the best life she could have. 

I think that gratitude played a huge part in this period in my life. I had my ups and downs but even in the downs, I was still grateful. And when one is grateful, the emotional baggage lessens and a new and better perspective is gained.

The #1 Benefit of Deactivating your Facebook account. And it’s more than just having less hours on your devices.

Around October last year, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I wanted to take a break. A break from the news feed I kept seeing whenever I log on to Facebook. I wasn’t really sure why but it felt like everything was too much. It was noisy and everything looked cluttered. Friends posting every minute, showing off, ranting, etc.

I needed a break.

I started to feel better the moment I clicked “Deactivate”. I swear, it was one of the right choices I’ve ever made. And the #1 benefit I was talking about in the title is this: deactivating your Facebook account actually helps you focus on yourself. Below are a couple of observations I got from my deactivation experience.

Firstly, deactivating your FB account eliminates the need or desire to log on it every time. No distractions. I observed that after leaving Facebook, I was able to do the things I needed and wanted to do. I was more productive.

Another observation is that my tendencies to compare myself and my situation with that of my friends greatly lessened. I’m not an envious person but when 90% of what you see on your news feed are posts and photos of your friends showing off the places they've been or the food they've tried, then sometimes it’s really inevitable to compare and get a little envious.

Now, I’m active on Facebook again. But I still deactivate from time to time. I noticed that I no longer feel the tendency to get a bit envious or irritated when my friends show off. Maybe it's just really nice to take some time off social media. For me, it gave me time to breathe and re-focus.

Yay! Got my First Pay!

I started working last January 5 as a Marketing/Client Service Assistant for the Corporate Banking Department of one of the Philippines' leading banks. And I got my first pay yesterday! So what did I do? Went on a shopping splurge of course! Shown above are the things I bought for myself: Starbucks tumbler, Coconut Oil, Castor Oil, NYX lipstick, and a new phone case.

I bought the tumbler at the Starbucks across my office right after I got my salary because I needed it so badly! I've been getting really sleepy during work hours for the past few days and I didn't have my own tumbler to drink my coffee from. Plus, the design is really cute I couldn't help but grab it right away!

As for the coconut and castor oils, I learned from this video that mixing them together would make an effective eyebrow growth serum. I want to thicken my eyebrows so I'm giving that beauty tip a try.

Another beauty essential I bought is a matte lipstick from NYX, "Couture Mode". It's nude-toned with a hint of light pink. I love it and I'm sure I'll be wearing it everyday! I'll make a more detailed review about it in another post.

I bought that white translucent phone case because my current one is already dirty. In addition to that new case, I also had a new screen protector placed on my phone since the old one had several scratches already. Now that I think about it, I feel like I just gave my phone a makeover because a few days ago, I also bought a new memory card for it haha.

Well, those are the things I bought for myself last night using my first salary. For today, I treated my mom and brother to a lunch date! We ate at a popular Korean restaurant here in the Philippines, BonChon. They specialize in chicken dishes and their foods taste great! They also have quite a wide range of offerings. After eating, we went to the department store to shop for new clothes. I bought a new pink blazer...

and 2 bras. My mom saw a cute yellow blouse and omg she looked like a kid asking me to buy it for her. And for my brother, I got him 3 pairs of socks. Then we went to the grocery where my brother and I munched on our favorite Korean ice creams while our mom was buying food supplies.

I'm really proud of myself for earning my first salary from my first ever job. With it, I was able to treat my family out to lunch and buy them what they wanted. And of course I was able to splurge myself by buying some of the things on my to-buy list! I'm pretty contented with all the things I bought for now. Next time, I'm going to buy shoes from Payless and H&M clothes for sure! But before that, I made a short and important note to self, "BUYING NEEDS AND WANTS IS GREAT, BUT DON'T FORGET TO SAVE!" 

Thank You 2014, Let's Do This 2015!

What happened in my life in 2014:

• My grandmother passed away and I felt extreme guilt for not spending enough time with her during the past few years
• My older sister, whom I was closest to in this house/family, migrated to Canada and I've been feeling so lonely
• Tirelessly looked for a job for several months
• Cried when i was already scared and almost hopeless about my future

But the following also happened:

• I found a job (but I will only get to officially start next week) after pushing myself relentlessly all the time
• I became more mature
• I'm back to my strong and resilient self whom I somehow lost during the past few years
• I've learned to stop being so angry about almost everything
• and instead, I started reminding myself that there's a good purpose behind every happening
• I'm now more optimistic
• and happier
• My relationship with my mother is getting better too!
• My relationship with my whole family, actually
• Overall, I now see myself changing for the better :)

What I want to say is that there is HOPE. I'm not really proud to say this but I've had suicidal thoughts everyday for the past few years and was in a really dark place in my life. But I helped myself and accepted the help other people gave me, and here I am. I'm not saying that I'm 100% great and happy already, but I'm on my way there.

Let's never give up! :)

9 Rules that Guide My Decision-making. What's Yours?

As I've already mentioned in some of my previous posts, I'm currently reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. There was a chapter that discussed how to improve one's Mindfulness, which according to the book is "the cultivation of conscious, nonjudgmental awareness"

Rubin shared her True Rules, a set of principles and beliefs that guides her whenever she has to make a decision and set priorities. After reading it, I was inspired to make my own list and this is what I came up with!

How about you? Do you have your own True Rules?

Circumstances of a Fresh Grad: Can't Let My Mind Get Rusty!

Being a carefree bum comes with being a fresh grad who's trying to land her first job. I'm in that part of my life right now and I must admit, I have a love-hate relationship with it. I want to stay as relaxed as this for a longer time but at the same time I want to start working already. But I feel more strongly for the latter, of course.

I don't want my senses and mind to get rusty so I really make the effort to learn about relevant things as much as I can. I'm currently taking up free online courses about blogging and interior decorating because I really want to learn about those two and be good at them eventually. But of course Marketing, my chosen field of profession which I took up in college, is still a good topic for me to explore. I believe that graduating from school doesn't give one the option to stop learning. Learning never stops! 

The 1-day training I had under an out-of-home advertising agency yesterday was a really good opportunity for me to learn more about a possible career path. The speaker discussed about sales and how to get clients to say 'YES'. There were a lot of key takeaways from the training and my mindfulness and senses were really sharpened after days of bumming around. Interacting, taking down notes, paying attention, and listening to new people were indeed refreshing.

After the training, my new friend Michelle went with me to a nearby mall to pick up and pay for a book I reserved last week. It's a book about blogging written by the editors of The Huffington Post. It's entitled 'The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging'. I love reading and browsing through Huffington Post because they have articles that are both witty and informative. I can't wait to start reading the book!!

After that, we went to a milk tea store and boy was I so happy to finally satisfy my cravings! I had GONG CHA's Ice Cream Milk Tea♥ It tasted so creamy and had just the right amount of sweetness! I've had it before and I'm gonna have it again and again. It's one of the best milk tea flavors I ever had!

Look at that froth and melting ice cream!

When I was about to start my day yesterday, I kept telling myself that it was going to be a good and productive day, and it turned out to be even better than I expected! I learned a lot, made new friends, got my hands on the book I've been wanting to have, and had another one of my milk tea adventures♥

Passion vs Practicality

People in general want to earn money by doing what they love. So usually, they pick a course in college that really interests them and would pave a good career path for them. But what if you chose the wrong course? Well that's what happened to me. So now I'm in a grueling situation.

I'm a fresh graduate who took up Marketing as her course and now currently looking for work. But actually, I already knew it wasn't for me when I had one of my first major subjects. I talked to my family about it and asked if I could shift to another course (Humanities) but I don't think they took me seriously. They laughed it off and just told me to suck it up since I'm already there. Oh well. So I did. Studying Marketing was enjoyable in a way but I now know in my heart that writing is what I really want to do. It's my passion. I want to be a magazine contributor or a good blogger. That's the future I want for myself. I also want to excel in marketing but I really don't think it's for me.

What I call this predicament I'm currently going through is Passion vs Practicality. Let's be real here, people would most likely choose marketing over writing as the more sustainable career path because it's a common belief that there's no guaranteed future for every one who wants to make writing their full-time career. But this stereotype wouldn't hold me back. As of now, my plan is to keep looking for a marketing job because I don't want to waste the past four years I spent studying it. But at the same time, I will also start working on my writing seriously so once I have good enough abilities and portfolio, I can start applying as a magazine contributor. This plan somehow makes me feel at ease. Yes I have conflicting  circumstances, having writing as my passion yet having Marketing as my degree; but that doesn't mean that I have to overthink and just make myself trapped in this current point in my life. We just got to move forward.